Today I’m in a sufficiently depressed to post this rather dull post. I wrote it when I was going through a really bad time in my life. I’m feeling right now something similar to what I did then.
Has any of you really contemplated suicide? As in really really thought about it? I have. Sometime I feel it’d be better than all the sadness in the world. Where everyone’s life seems to be going better than yours?

No, I really don’t want to hear that crap of there people out there going through worse! I really don’t care about them do I? I don’t know them.

Death would be sweet release, from worry, from probelms, from uncertainty, from pain, from control, from sadness, from fear, from feeling, from thought.

And so what if I go to hell?(I believe in it) It’ll not be forever and anyway my version of hell, the one I believe in, any pain would be instant before I become nothing. That isn’t so bad. Infact it’s perfect! Just a few moments of judgement, a chance to know that the people I care about most made it to heaven and then blank. Relief.

I’ve thought about it, as in really thought about it, how best to do it so it’s least painful(I have a morbid fear of pain) if a note would be left, what would be on it. Who’d really miss me if I was gone. How the funeral would be. Who’d be there. What I’d want said about me. Which one of my parents would consider it their fault. In less words I mean I’ve thought about it a lot.

I’m not going to kill myself. There’s something you could say anchoring me to this life. If that anchor disappeared, I’d die, I don’t think there’d be much to live for. No point of going on.

I’m leaving comments on this but I’m asking that the sympathy be kept to a mininum. After all it’s never that serious:) Peace!

Written by Sidney Ochieng

Child at heart and mind. Feminist. Story teller. Fledgling data scientist. Your future boss

13 Comments

Gay Nairobi Man

I have faced very very many tryimg times, but I have never contemplated suicide. I cant say I know why anyone with such a future ahead of them would contemplate suicide( I follow your blog and tweets)

Whatever it is you are going through could just be a phase. Live and let live! As you sgned off- its never that serious

Reply
cdohnio

Anon- Some reasons are more powerful than others…
GNM -I hope its a phase. So hopefully get over it soon, thanks for commenting:

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Nobody You Know

I've thought about it seriously. Tried once. Half-heartedly though, I knew I'd never go through with it till the end.

Even through my darkest moments, there's one thought that always keeps me here – suicide is fucking selfish. Harsh, I know, but true. In the end, death is never about the one who dies, but the ones who are left behind.

Reply
cdohnio

NYK- I also realise it's selfish but sometimes you think why can't I just think about me alone for somethings? Still we're both here so I guess we have our reasons. Thanks for commenting…

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Sgyreju

I have thought about it, during my major depressive episode. Once I really wanted to do it and almost did, but a few things stopped me long enough to give me time to contact a friend who talked to me and helped me get away from that idea. A few other times, I didn't want to do it right then but I felt comforted that if things kept going wrong I would always have this solution, this way to get away from all the mess.

I don't feel depressed or unhappy enough to consider it anymore, but the one thing that would stop me, if I did think about it again, is the thought of people who'd be hurt by my death, like my parents who love me deeply. The one time I wanted to kill myself, I was angry at them and wanted to hurt them, so the fact that my death would cause them pain couldn't stop me that one time.

It's not something I talk about often. I have been wondering if I should write about it on the first anniversary of the night I wanted to die – I was afraid it might upset some people too much. Now that you have blogged about it, I think I will blog about this too. I'll just make sure to do it on the blog that my parents don't read. I think it would upset them a lot to know I thought about this seriously, even if it's in the past.

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cdohnio

Sgyreju The same things that stop you also helped stopped me but the main thing more than anything else that stopped me was my baby sis. She's the light in my life and m main reason for living.

Hi Sally, I'm glad you're here. Welcome the chaotic processes that are my thoughts.:)

Reply
Anonymous

Dont take your life,there is nothing more beautiful than this world were living in however harsh,depressing,sad,chaotic..its still a wonderful world.

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