It’s been another long day. I seem to be having quite a few of those this week so I’m thanking God the weekend is here. I can’t tell you what I’ve been up to, because it would be boring to mention, only that I’m really tired. And now instead of getting into bed I’m sitting down to write this.

We held a Fail Faire today at the iHub, I only checked in long enough to hear the story of one person and the place was so very packed but it got me thinking of one of my failures.

I found this post floating about on my facebook and thought I’d share it with you guys because a lot of what’s said I’ve felt and still feel.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn’t know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

Happy New Year!! How are y’all doing? This is my first post of the year which should make it special but it really isn’t, mostly because I don’t really have anything useful to say. So instead what follows next is mostly going to be me rambling on about random things.

image:http://www.staceyshipman.com

First of all this is my last semester of school… I’m not really excited, more scared. At the end of these four months I should become a man, which has little to do with my age or level of maturity and more to do with the fact that I’ll be expected to take care of myself. No more handouts from the parents. In fact the only thing I can expect from either of them is a place to sleep and to be fed(and who knows how long the feeding will last?).

First I’d like to thank Sgyreju for allowing me to put up her posts on my blog and I’m sure all of you thank her too. She wrote them almost a year ago but the ideas and questions she asks are priceless and I’ll continue to cherish them forever. Second this is an edited conclusion of what has been a very fun week of posts that Sgyreju originally had on her blog. It contain mostly her thoughts interspersed with mine.

Gender is something I have only begun to think about very recently, and I still have work to do in order to understand better where I stand in relation to it. But, even though I have only been exploring my own gender identity for about three months, I had known for a while longer that it is quite a complex matter.

The first thing to know is the difference between sex and gender. While sex is a biological fact, gender is an identity; it is about how one perceives oneself. For a long time, I did not know about gender; this is not a widely known concept in mainstream France (recently, someone I know wrote a survey with a question about “gender”. She told me her professors had said it was the politically correct word to use for questions about biological sex.). I knew about transsexual people, but I only knew about them as “people who feel they were born in the wrong body and need to change their biological sex”. As to myself, my being a girl was just a fact, like my height or my birth date – a fact about me I had no control about, and which meant even less to me than my height or my birthdate do – and I could not imagine it mattering at all.

Most people divide relationships with people who do not belong to their family in only two categories: friends and romantic partners. A specific set of expectations and “normal behavior” is associated with each category, and transgressions are frowned upon: One is not supposed to kiss one’s friends, or hold hands with them, for instance, but on the other hand, it is not considered “normal” not to kiss or have sex with one’s romantic partner.

Very often, people use the word “relationship” to refer to romantic relationships – just as they use the word “love” to refer to romantic love. It rather annoys me to see those words trapped into one of their specific meanings, especially as this specific meaning is not one I can relate to. So, be warned – in this blog, “relationship” refers to all kinds of relationships, and “love” refers to all kinds of love.

I did not always identify as aromantic.

For a long time, I did believe in the whole romantic myth that one is truly happier with a romantic partner, and I wished for one. I longed for the time when I would finally live those idealized shared moments with my beloved: having breakfast together, taking long walks hand in hand, talking about everything and anything for hours, kiss passionately like in my favorite love scenes in movies…

Sex is a complex matter. It is hard to define – for some people, only genital penetration counts; for others, anything involving someone’s genitals is sex. It also has several meanings: an expression of romantic love, a fun activity, a way to experience pleasure, a way to prove one’s worth… and many more. Some use it as a means of pressure (withholding sex in punishment or offering sex as a reward in order to obtain something), while others plan strategies to obtain it.

I will not lie to you: Questioning one’s identity is scary.

The evening of June 4, 2006, when I finally became aware that I probably was not heterosexual as I had always assumed, and the night that followed were, at the time, the scariest moments of my life. Now, four years later, they have only been pushed to second place by another evening that I do not want to talk about (and anyway, it has nothing to do with asexuality or any of the other matters that I wish to discuss in my Petri Dish).

Since today is the fourth anniversary of the evening during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then.

I had a LiveJournal account in which I wrote regularly – and there are entries about that event. The first one was published at 10:18PM that night, which means that the event happened before.

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m commitment-phobic. I couldn’t believe it, it’s something that has been having a subtle effect on all my relationships. I’m calling it subtle because I didn’t notice it but I’m thinking someone else may have.

I’ve always complained of how I don’t have a girlfriend and to realise that I’ve been sub-conscientiously sabotaging my own chances makes me laugh. Anyway so I did some research into it (Google/Wikipedia of course). The description I’ve written below is interspersed with commentary from me with how what I’ve written best describes me and how I’ve seen it in my life. These comments will be in brackets so don’t skip to the end hoping to see what I’m thinking.

For the second time in as many weekends I found myself in the boot of the car because the ride was already too full in the front. Well the cars were hunchback so it was actually quite comfortable.
This actually besides the point but on the second trip, lying on my back looking at the ssky, admiring the car and skyscrapers rushing by I began to comtemplate something that I’ve thought about on and off for a little bit: I’ve always wanted to experience someone else’s thoughts.

This is one of those posts where, I just talk randomly about whatever is on my head, as I have nothing of much significance to talk about. Usually when I a have random stuff to write down it’s about one specific topic but today, I’m going random about random.

Random like the colours in this picture

I was in Kakamega over the weekend visiting my cousin; it was all kinds of awesome, drinking and raeving and hanging out and drinking. While on the rave, I happened to dance with a big mama by big here I mean fat. This girl had big everything; big boobs, big ass, big thighs, big stomach; big everything. While she was grinding on me and I’m starting to get a little feeling in my nether regions, I realized that big women may actually be able to be able a rouse something in me. I didn’t know that, I’ve always found fat girl’s unsexy, this weekend is causing me to re-examine that.

Ladies and gentlemen last week on Friday, for the first time, I went to one of the locals around school for drinks with a new friend of mine, @joeemgee, at a place call Green Park. Yup, it was awesome up so I want to tell you about it.

We were supposed to meet there at 8, 8.30 but somehow I only got there at 9 and Joe around thirty minutes later. I check in and well to tell you the truth it looked better than expected. Clean and very simple. I saw one of my classmates, a girl, who seemed to be on a double date. Wait can you really have a proper date in a bar? Of course, I planted myself right there while I waited for Joe, I don’t think her date liked it.}:)

Today I’m in a sufficiently depressed to post this rather dull post. I wrote it when I was going through a really bad time in my life. I’m feeling right now something similar to what I did then.
Has any of you really contemplated suicide? As in really really thought about it? I have. Sometime I feel it’d be better than all the sadness in the world. Where everyone’s life seems to be going better than yours?

Hey y’all! I’ve been on a kind of high since the weekend. I finally got off my ass and went for the shopping I should’ve gone for 4 weeks ago meaning I have some food in my room finally. I went shags(the country house) for a day so that I could have a bit of solitude and found my dad there, he gave me some cash:) which for someone my age is better than solitude. Also he gave me something even better than money; my own laptop!!

So while I was narrating this story( Catch part one here) to you guys-and girls- I’ve tried to as objective as possible and tell the story as I saw it then, through my eyes, without giving you too much of what I thought of the situation after really thinking about it. So that’s what this post is about.

I don’t know about you but I’ve always been of the opinion that get pregnant at my age-which is rather young, think kid, baby-is stupid. Yes, I’m saying that Q was stupid to get pregnant. I mean think about it in this day and age you only get pregnant if you want to, what with condoms, contraceptives, e-pills and of course abstinence, it’s either that or you’re stupid. I told Q as much.

Continuing from here

I don’t like this dude, E. He looks shifty, dodgy. But then again that might have something to do with him knocking up my friend but not so much, I remember I met him when I went Greenpark (local around school), he didn’t seem to like me cutting in the way I did.

He seemed to look rather scared when Q asked that he clears the room of everyone, except me and W. Then she began to talk to E. She told him that she had gone to hospital to get tested, that the results were positive, she was pregnant. And guess what he asked?

Continuing from here

“Hello, R?”

“Hey, how are you?”

“Fine, it’s cdohnio”

“Ahhh, cdohnio how are you? How’s school?”

“I’m cool, school’s fine, listen I have something rather delicate to ask you”

“Ask…”in serious and curious tone.

“First of all you have to promise to keep this secret, you can’t tell anyone, not my mum, not aunty, not your bro….(add several family members here)….no one!”

“Okay, what is it?”suspicion.

“I have a friend, a girl, she gotten herself in a delicate situation and she wandering the price of something. You know Hosithis, right?”

Continued from here

I found out later, that I actually exclaimed, ’Whoops!!’. I can’t remember that. Q then took the results out of my hand to see for her self and after W also took a look he ripped the results into pieces. Dee began cursing how she couldn’t believe it as she fought hard-I could tell-not to cry though tear still leaked from the sides. She collapsed for a few seconds into Q arms and all I could do was rub her back. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that useless, or that confused or maybe lost is word, in my young life. I mean, what could I do? Or rather I didn’t know what I could, should do.
This may be the best place to mention the baby wasn’t mine.

I don’t really know how to start this. I’m scared. A girl I was intimate with is pregnant. Yes pregnant and I’m freaking out for her. Yes my only concern is her. I’m really worried how this will affect her mentally and psychologically. It’s just the first month of year one and already I’m in such a difficult situation. I’ll start at the beginning.

So I have this friend lets call her, Q, we had sex… She was the first on campus. The next week she tells me and some of our friends (we’re kind of a group, small) that she thinks she’s missed her ps. One of us, we’ll call him, W, asked how long it had been and she says 2 weeks. She then goes on to say that she wants us to take her to the clinic so she can get a pregnancy test.

Hey y’all! Starting tomorrow I’ll be dropping a bunch of posts I wanted to put up last year but didn’t have the chance or means to. There are 4 or 5 posts that were actually written as one but would have been too long for one sitting/post in my opinion. So I cut it up. I’ve done it such a way that it provides the most entertainment while still managing to convey what was happening. I hope you like it because I personally think I did a great job on them. Either way your thoughts on them would be much appreciated so stick around. Peace!!

So this is the like the 4th day of questioning week and so far so good. I’ve been able to post something each day so far. Today we talk about dating and perhaps at the end you’ll help me answer questions I have.

A coffee date

A date is an appointment or engagement, especially a social one with a member of the opposite sex. That’s what my phone dictionary tells me, and I quite agree, anyone with a different interpretation feel free to share it in the comments. It’s a simple enough definition and we can begin with that. NOTE: This will be told from my point of view so it’ll be biased to what might be “the guy” side.

Today I ask questions about God but before i do a little background would be good. My parents divorced some nearly 5 years ago. Since then things haven’t been exactly easy for my mum. She’s always been short on cash and can’t seen to be able to do much. She’s a very strong Christian. My dad has had smooth sail as far as I can tell, very well paying top job and new wife. He has lives quite comfortably. I’ve never seen him in a church or praying in all my life.

Today I’m going to talk about religion. I’m not so sure how long I can write about it so we’ll see how far I go. I’m a Christian and to be more specific Seventh Day Adventist. I go to church on Saturday while most other Christians do this on Sunday.

There probably several hundred devisions of Christianity in the world. We have Catholic, Pentecostal, Baptist, Protestant, Angilcan and our very own home bred, Finger of God church just to mention a few. I personally belive my church is the right one and you probably believe yours is the right one so how can you ever be sure?

I’d been reading a blog(Rainbow Amoeba’s Petri Dish) that had something she called Questioning Week. She had just moved her blog to a new site and was also celebrating the 4th Anniversary since the evening in her own words
“during which I realized I needed to reconsider my assumed and never questioned heterosexuality, I thought I might as well tell the story of what exactly happened then.”

I encourage you all to go read the 7 posts she did because in my opinion they’re great pieces that I might even one day feature here.(If she allows that is)

Hey y’all! Yes, I already have another post for you already! I don’t know how long this momentum will maintain but recently I keep finding more and more stuff to write about. Also I really don’t have to much to do in the evenings because well the assignments haven’t really kicked in. So for now I have much to write.

The other weekend my cousin, yes the one featuring in the last post and one before it, invited his girlfriend from home to school,with her sis, who he was trying to hook me up with.

I wrote this a while back but my phone mem-card decided it’s misbehaving and got a virus or bug of some sort and I had to format it. And this post was on it so I had to write it again which I’m sure it’ll not be as awesome as when I first penned it but know I’ll try my best.

So my cuzo came to room about a week ago with what I saw as both shocking and awesome news! The girl he was aiming for, the one I told you about before, had ingia’d box(That’s to say she was really feeling his vybe, hey half my audience is actually from the US). Yup she had been papped!!:-D Of course I was happy and proud because as far as I could tell at the time he was setting pace for all freshas. Most freshas are still keeping to themselves looking as confused and lost as ever.

Too soon to be doing another post? Have you even fully digested the last one? It’s okay you can read both of them! Right? Anyway I’m in my room at about 10.30pm, not really trying to sleep but in bed none the less, phone in my hand and it hits me there’s a lot of noise in the background.

I pause to listen and I hear about 4 different sources of music and sound all seemly competing to overpower the rest.
The dude across from my room is listening to traditional Luyha Christian choir songs, some dude up the hall is booming his favourite rhumba and lingala tracks while his neighbour watches an action movie at max volume. Two doors down from me is some playing what seems to be a Hip hop mix and further down opposite some is listening to reggae/ragga.

Okay ladies and gentlemen! This is the very first post coming direct from my campus!! The first campus-post! Yeah I joined campus, finally, in Maseno! It’s written in two parts, the first were the thing’s written on the first day I arrived in the morning and mostly on the registration line. Everything else was after! This is not conclusive, I’m still organising my thoughts, but it’ll have to do until I can give you something more solid. Hopefully this means a return to more regular blogging for me!*Fingers crossed*

So remember my weird really pissed of post, the one I wouldn’t allow y’all to comment on? And remember I said I wanted to see a psychiatrist but couldn’t seem to get to it? Well at the pressing of one of my dearest friends I finally got round to doing it.

Yeah, some weeks back I went to see one in a very informal type meeting. Her phone kept ringing and I also kept tweeting. My friend was there also I guess for moral support and its was in a public place not I some office where you lie down and talk incessantly about yourself and your feelings.

Hey everyone!! It’s been awhile since I last did a post and I’ve been wondering what to write about. As this blog is about my random thoughts and feelings so I guess I can write about anything I feel about and y’all will have to read about it, won’t you?:) That might sound arrogant but hey I’m right, aren’t I?

Last week I was in Kisumu and its surrounding environs and towns. I travelled on my birthday. I know most people would’ve  waited to celebrate their birthday’s first then travelled but I haven’t really celebrated a birthday in the last 8 or 9 years. Sad, I know, but then again my life has really been a happy one in past years but more on that in another post if I ever get the courage to tell the world about it. So I went to Kisumu, on my birthday. Why?